Happiness lists instead of habits

I mostly read non-fiction, which means I come across a lot of self-help books. The industry has ballooned in the past few decades.

It's a popular genre of literature because the books promise solutions to our problems. The problem, though, is that self-help books are increasingly instruction manuals on how to achieve the unachievable: how to be hyper-productive, how to have everything you've ever wanted, how to beat capitalism at its own game.

People have started writing about how damaging the industry has become. Ironically, some have written self-help books on letting go of the problematic stuff you've learnt from other self-help books (see, e.g., I Didn't Do the Thing Today by Madeleine Dore). Others have blogged about it after writing self-help books themselves, like Mark Manson (although, to be fair, I enjoyed Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck). Some, like Oliver Burkeman in Four Thousand Weeks, have written self-help books to help us deal with the fact that we can't have it all.

You could write volumes criticising the self-help industry but, at a fundamental level, there's this: if a book tells you that you can do something if only you do X, Y and Z, and then you find you're not able to do X, Y and Z (or not able to do them consistently), you feel like a failure and you think the reason you weren't able to do the thing is because you couldn't stick at X, Y and Z.

This usually isn't true. Often, the thing you're being told is achievable isn't achievable, or isn't achievable whilst looking after your health and wellbeing. Raising children, working full time, starting a business as a side hustle, maintaining a specific appearance, reading a lot of books, exercising regularly, writing a blog and starting a podcast all during the same period of your life is not an achievable outcome, but lots of self-help books tell you it is. If you can't do all of those things, it's not because you didn't do X, Y, and Z, it's because there aren't enough hours in the day.

Or, the outcome is achievable, but X, Y and Z aren't going to bring it to you, or they're not the only way to bring it to you. This means you might do everything right, but not get the outcome you were promised, which can make you feel defeated.

Don't get me started on books that suggest an X, Y and Z that only the very privileged could obtain or achieve.

There are lots of upsides to self-help. It's particularly helpful if it's written by qualified health practitioners. It can provide outlooks you hadn't considered that can benefit you for many years. It can help you gain perspective, and can even, in some cases, help you overcome serious, debilitating problems (alongside professional support).

The important thing is to sift through the self-help content to find what is accurate or appropriate, and what works for you. Not everyone finds this easy, particularly if they're feeling inadequate or lost.

This post isn't actually about bashing the self-help industry, it's about a trick I learnt to help convert some self-help content into something that's healthier (for me, at least).

The trending topic for self-help books is habits. Which habits can make you a millionaire before you're 30? Which habits can help you transform your life? Which habits can help you have it all?

Here are some of the problems with habit-building as a basis for self-care:

• There are a fixed number of hours in the day. You can't just keep adding habits to your daily routine indefinitely.

• What works for other people might not work for you, so narratives that certain habits (like waking up at 4am) lead to certain outcomes can be confusing and demotivating.

• Making something into a habit that has to be repeated consistently and recorded makes it into another chore, which isn't helpful if you're struggling with feeling overwhelmed.

• Your life, routine, interests, and priorities will change by week, month, year, and period of your life. Trying to make a list of must-have habits to consistently follow doesn't allow for this.

• If you succeed in building habits that you repeat everyday, it can feel like groundhog day, which comes with its own set of problems.

So, is there a way to get the benefits of the ideas behind habit-forming rhetoric - the things you can do that can improve your mental and physical health, career, and relationships - without taking the bad stuff too?

In Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Dr Julie Smith touches on habit-forming, but she also talks about equipping ourselves with a toolbox of sorts: ways to address physical and mental needs to avoid cycling downwards when we feel low.

I thought about how to keep these techniques together without trying to build them into daily habits, and came up with what I call my Happiness List.

In my phone, there's a list of things that can help me feel better if I'm feeling rubbish.

Some of the entries are trivial but really do work, like look at a bird through binoculars or take a hot water bottle to bed.

Others focus on external support, like message Jordan or see your nieces and nephew.

Lots are blindingly obvious but important, genuine self-care, like have something to eat.

There are whimsical entires, like buy a lime, slice it and smell it, or open the patio doors and sit by the window.

Some even stray into cringey Instagram self-care, like have a bath or go to the bookshop.

Every time I do something that sparks joy, I add it to the list. The benefit of the list is that it doesn't take any work, it's not another chore. I don't have to do these things regularly, whether I like them or not. I just do them when they feel right.

When I feel rundown, sad, demotivated, or apathetic, I know that all I have to do is open the list and do something (anything) on it, and I'll feel a little bit better. That's usually enough for me to start doing other things on the list, too.

I borrow ideas where they work for me, but everyone's list would be different. I doubt you'd have look closely at moss on your list (but if you do, please message me so we can be friends).

If this sounds like something that could be useful to you, give it a go.

There are no rules, but it's worth trying to build a diverse list (for instance, not focused on a particular group of people, a relationship, spending money, or things that require a lot of time). I find the tiny things, like clean your glasses, the most useful as they're an easy way to disrupt a rubbish feeling.

It's about recording the things that bring you joy so that if you ever feel disconnected from the joy in your life it's easier for you to find your way back.

You could try making other lists too. If there are things that make your day more creative or work more enjoyable, you could make a list to open when you feel writers block or that you're standing still.

I'm not a doctor. Please see a professional if you're struggling with your mental or physical health. Always treat self-help suggestions carefully and combine with professional support where necessary.